The game itself is cool, but it’s all the other stuff that really makes college football fun: the mascots, the fans, the uniforms, the absurdly jacked strength coaches, and, most especially, the names.
Who could forget LaDainian Tomlinson? Craphonso Thorpe? BenJarvus Green-Ellis? Alge Crumpler and Ndamukong Suh and D’Brickashaw Ferguson? They are the characters in our weekly bacchanals of violence, the collections of syllables announcers blurt out that make us say, “Wait, what’s that guy’s name?”
So without further ado, here are the best of the bunch in the Pac-12 this year.
QB Dymond Lee, UCLA
Quarterback is a weirdly thin position in the conference this year for names — kind of like for actual quarterback play, I suppose — but Dymond is here to save us with his sparkliness.
RB Aca’Cedric Ware, USC
Aca’excuse me?
Third-down backs: Bolu Olorunfunmi and Soso Jamobo, UCLA
Had to cheat a little to get these two in. Bolu and Soso are a blessing. And winners of the mythical Best Vowel Usage award.
WR Derrion Rakestraw, CU
Names that could also be orders given to 14th-century serfs are always fun.
WR JuJu Smith-Schuster, USC
His name is basically an onomatopoeia for how he plays receiver, lyrical and shifty and a little bit brutal.
WR River Cracraft, WSU
Apt, because with highlights like this, he could probably still catch passes while crossing a river on a small watercraft.
TE Cary Angeline, USC
Every all-name team needs a resident super model, and this is ours.
OL Duke Clinch, UW
A state-champion wrestler in high school, because of course.
OL Gentle Williams, Cal
Hopefully not too gentle, am I right? I’m sorry.
OL Layth Friekh, UA
Don’t google “lathe freak.”
OL Tyson Rising, ASU
Football player, or YA dystopian flick coming to theaters Summer 2017?
OL Damien Mama, USC
USC’s website describes him as “the massive Mama,” which is beautiful and also fair, because he’s lost 30 pounds and is still listed at 325.
DL Torrodney Prevot, UO
So unique (in a good way) that, without context, you probably wouldn’t even know it was a name.
DL Bo Peek, Stan
I bet he would have heard a lot more “Little Bo Peep” jokes growing up if he wasn’t a 300-pounder who enjoys football and MMA.
DL Takkarist McKinley, UCLA
For the originality, the consonance, and the glory of a defensive tackle named “Takk,” this might be the league’s name of the year.
DL JoJo Wicker, ASU
The escaped protagonist of a lost Mark Twain novella.
LB Hamilcar Rashed, Jr., OSU
Football player meets baritone saxophonist meets Carthaginian general. The names of more linebackers should evoke people riding elephants over a giant mountain range.
LB Pookie Maka, CU
Was way more excited about this one until learning Pookie is a nickname. Let’s pretend we don’t know that.
LB Koron Crump, ASU
As poetic as a name can get. But poetry in the blood-and-fire Viking saga sense, not like, Robert Frost.
DB Yoofi Quansah, USC
Just a very fun collection of syllables. Also fun: Quansah’s Instagram handle is @yoofster1
DB D’Jimon Jones, WSU
I know deep down it’s probably not pronounced “Digimon Jones,” but a guy can dream.
DB Budda Baker, UW
Budda budda budda budda rockin’ everywhere.
DB Brady Breeze, UO
Teams with Baker to give us a highly alliterative pair of safeties.
K Jet Toner, Stan
Were Jet’s parents printer salesmen? Just really big Epson fans?
P Van Soderberg, UW
Young Mr. Soderberg has three future possible career paths: 1) Lawyer 2) State legislator 3) Yachtsman
LS Bradley Northnagel, Cal
You’re damn right we have a long snapper!
The parents of the mid-90s provided us enough material for a second team, too, so here’s that:
Offense
QB Devon Modster, UCLA
RB Gil’Scott Jackson, ASU
WR Bug Rivera, Cal
WR Bryce Bobo, CU
WR Mossi Johnson, UCLA
TE Scooter Harrington, Stan
OL Yanni Demogerontas, OSU
OL Paco Perez, UCLA
OL Gerhard De Beer, UA
OL Dillon Middlemiss, CU
OL Kammy Delp, OSU
Defense
DL Hercules Mata’afa, WSU
DL Boss Tagaloa, UCLA
DL Keisean Lucier-South, UCLA
DL Tramel Topps, ASU
LB Olajuwon Tucker, USC
LB Hamilton Hunt, OSU
LB Psalm Wooching, UW
DB Adoree’ Jackson, USC
DB Mason Stone, UW
DB Dane Cruikshank, UA
DB Jhet Janis, UO
K Hayes Hicken, Utah
P Michael Sleep-Dalton, ASU