This is a ranking of the things we call men who dress up in costumes, a subject for which I have something of an affinity.
Prompted by an off-hand comment by a good friend on Twitter, I combed through every mascot in the NFL, NHL, NBA, MLS, and MLB and picked out the ones with the cleverest names. The minutiae of sports can be highly enjoyable, and so can puns.
Dishonorable mention
When the Baltimore Ravens were born from the ashes of the Cleveland Browns in 1996, they made the fantastic decision to have three costumed raven mascots named Edgar, Allan, and Poe. (Edgar Allan Poe lived in Baltimore and once wrote a little ditty called “The Raven.”) In 2008, they made the deplorable decision to ditch Edgar and Allan in favor of two real, live ravens named Rise and Conquer. What? You had the English-majors-who-like-sports market completely cornered, and you threw it away. For shame.
Now, the fifteen teams who haven’t ruined a good thing:
15. Wally the Green Monster (Boston Red Sox)
Get it? Because the left field wall at Fenway Park is called the Green Monster? I mean, it makes me smirk, but this is why people say the pun is the lowest form of humor.
14. Al the Octopus (Detroit Red Wings)
Unlike your traditional mascot, Al isn’t a person in a costume but rather a 20-foot-wide art installation that gets raised to the rafters at Joe Louis Arena during playoff games. Why an octopus? Because for the past fifty years, Red Wings fans have thrown the corpses of our eight-legged friends onto the ice for good luck. Hockey is a strange game.
13. Burnie (Miami Heat)
This anthropomorphic flame with a basketball for a nose and no apparent mouth narrowly edges out Bernie the Brewer as the official mascot of democratic socialists everywhere. Burnie is also, as far as I can tell, the only mascot on this list to have been charged with assaulting the wife of a federal judge and faced twenty years in jail.
12. Rocky the Mountain Lion (Denver Nuggets)
Is this just an excuse to share the most macabre clip in mascot history? You betcha.
11. Jaxson de Ville (Jacksonville Jaguars)
A list of true facts about the resident bad boy of NFL mascots:
1. He forced an NFL rule change about how close mascots can come to the field after taunting Kordell Stewart and Bill Cowher in obscene fashion
2. He literally caught fire during a game
3. He was disqualified from an online vote to choose the league’s top mascot
4. He spent three minutes stuck hanging above the field during a 2009 game after a zipline stunt gone wrong
5. He was forced to formally apologize to the Steelers after whipping out a “Towels Carry Ebola” sign during a Pittsburgh-Jacksonville game
10. Spike the Belted Kingfisher (Vancouver Whitecaps)
Soccer mascot, or new-wave indie folk band that’s opening for the latest Mumford & Sons tour? This was destined for a higher spot on the list until I realized the bird’s actual name appears to be just “Spike,” with the latter part informing us he’s of the belted kingfisher genus. Which isn’t quite as fun.
9. Bango the Buck (Milwaukee Bucks)
Very sonically pleasing. Named after the catchphrase of a former Bucks announcer. Inaugural winner of Cartoon Network’s “Most Awesome Mascot” award. Really, we should all just be thankful he isn’t named Bucky.
8. Sir Purr (Carolina Panthers)
Rhymes are fun. What’s even more fun is that, in a game on Christmas Eve 2012, Sir Purr was joined on the field by six family members, including one Purrtricia Purr, a son named Mini Meow, and an Uncle Bob. If we were assigning credit for the full mascot network associated with a franchise, Sir Purr and Co. would be much higher on the list. But this is a solo project.
7. Tommy Hawk (Chicago Blackhawks)
He is a hawk named Tommy, and his listed weight on the Blackhawks team site is 2,356 hockey pucks. The franchise is named for Sauk leader Black Hawk, who in 1832 led an attempt to reclaim by force tribal lands taken by settlers; history remembers him as saying, during a tour of U.S. cities in the east, “I ought not to have taken up the tomahawk, but my people have suffered a great deal.” Kinda weird appropriation, but also kinda cool.
6. Iceburgh (Pittsburgh Penguins)
We’re into the crème de la crème at this point. To be honest, I’m kind of disappointed in myself this punny penguin isn’t ranked higher. But life is full of weighty and difficult decisions.
5. Lou Seal (San Francisco Giants)
Probably the cutest mascot on the list; certainly the only one whose official backstory involves him being found by former Giants manager Dusty Baker sunbathing on Pier 39.
4. Youppi! (Montreal Canadiens)
After the Expos moved from Montreal to Washington, DC, Youppi! took his talents to the Canadiens, become the first mascot in recorded history to change sports. His name is French for Yippee! I don’t think anyone knows what the heck he’s supposed to be — Wikipedia describes him as an “orange, hairy giant” — but everyone seems to love him. The favorite mascot of Jeb Bush.
3. Steely McBeam (Pittsburgh Steelers)
This isn’t even really a pun, just a true commitment to cramming random words from the steel industry into vaguely name-like form. I can respect it. This handsome fella once inspired a story from PennLive.com headlined, “Is the Steelers’ Steely McBeam the creepiest NFL mascot?”
2. The Swinging Friar (San Diego Padres)
While slightly terrifying to actually look at, the good father has a great, great name. I would believe it if The Swinging Friar were a bar in Fremont. I would believe it if The Swinging Friar were the nickname of a boxer from the 1920s. I would believe it if The Swinging Friar were a novel by Thomas Hardy. But instead, just a dude with a weird haircut who cheers on an annually average baseball team.
1. Stuff the Magic Dragon (Orlando Magic)
Far and away the best parts of Aaron Gordon’s performance in the dunk contest was learning the magic have a dragon for a mascot, that the dragon’s name is Stuff, and that he is regarded as having the power to exploit supernatural forces. OK, fine the dunks were pretty good too, but sometimes it’s better to embrace the silliness.