As a connoisseur of names good, bad, and in between, this is my annual favorite thing. NameOfTheYear.com has released its yearly bracket of the 64 best names that popped up in the news during 2016, with voting underway to determine who will follow in a line of past winners including Tanqueray Beavers, Vanilla Dong, Crescent Dragonwagon and Princess Nocandy.
Here’s the full bracket in all it’s glory:
As an excuse to marvel further at these wonderful examples of human ingenuity, I picked a Sweet Sixteen and Final Four and made some bad jokes along the way. I thought about researching who all these people actually are and what they do, but it’s much more fun to use your imagination.
Bulltron Regional
Named for: Name of the Decade winner Assumption Bulltron
Sweet Sixteen: No doubt Tillman Buttersack is a worthy choice as the top seed, but I’ll take Jasmine Albuquerque-Croissant any day of the week. Particularly for breakfast. She’ll face off in one final sixteen matchup against fifth-seeded Duffy McSwiggin, who sounds like the protagonist’s alcoholic Irish friend from a noir novel in the 1930s. On the bottom half of the bracket, the pornographic Charol Shakeshaft edges Tchaikovsky Catalicio in the first round and cruises to the regional semifinals for a matchup with a Furious Carney. Come see the Bearded Lady! Feast your eyes on the World’s Tallest Man! If you don’t, Carney be very angry.
Regional champ: Maybe it’s because I’m writing this on St. Patrick’s Day, but there’s nobody in this bracket who can make me pick against Duffy McSwiggin. Our heavy-drinking comrade ekes past Furious Carney in the final eight.
Sithole Regional
Named for: 1985 winner Godfrey Sithole
Sweet Sixteen: Another No. 1 seed goes down early, as Oozi Cats, a disturbingly evocative name, upsets Pope McCorkle III. There’s some serious competition in this next sub-regional; in a not-too-different world, Snookie Catholique or the paradoxical Boy Waterman could go all the way to the final four. But in our meager reality, it’s Saint Schwing who moves on. The bottom half of the bracket yields a showdown between Scholastique Koolimo, who I can only assume is the lead singer in a Parliament Funkadelic cover band, and Dick Tips. I don’t think I need a joke for that one.
Regional champ: My more sophomoric half wants to hand Dick Tips the title right now, but the lyrical genius of Scholastique Koolimo is too much to overcome. What a string of syllables. Saint Schwing doesn’t stand a chance in the regional final.
Dragonwagon Regional
Named for: 1993 winner Crescent Dragonwagon
Sweet Sixteen: How is Taco Pope only a No. 8 seed? How? Joylord Gumbie is a worthy choice too, but he can’t stop the Bishop of Ground Beef. The Holy See of the Melted Cheese advances to face Dr. Shark Bird, a hybrid image only enhanced by the presence of a Ph.D. The other regional semifinal pits Dicaprio Bootle, who survived a fierce fight from Howdy Goudey, against Inta Mulch, who is definitely, definitely down to help out in the garden. Maybe too down.
Regional champ: Thanks for playing, Mr. Bootle and Ms. Mulch. But the top half of the bracket presents the only matchup that really matters in this regional. Our Father of Guacamole and Sour Cream, Taco Pope, inches past the terrifying Dr. Shark Bird and into the final four.
Crotchtangle Regional
Named for: 1991 winner Doby Crotchtangle
Sweet Sixteen: What a battle in the round of 32 at the top of the bracket. Tre McKitty is a worthy competitor, but he can’t stop cinderella story Billie-Jo Skeleton, who as a No. 16 is obviously our lowest seed to get this far. Awaiting in the regionals semis is Devine Deablo, who survived a philosophically dense opener with Showander Descarte and a fierce fight from Jasmine Squirrel in round two. Muna Tuna moves on, too, as tempting as it was to opt for Sweet Orefice. I feel bad for that person. And our final member of the last sixteen: Mighty Fine. That can’t be real, can it? It was going to take a strong contender to take out Kurtulus Kalican in round one.
Regional champ: This regional comes down to a tale as old as time: alliteration vs. rhyme. Our winner is the devilish Divine Deablo, who puts an end to the underdog run of Billie-Jo Skeleton and slides into the final four by defeating Muna Tuna. Mighty Fine is, well, a mighty fine name, but I just can’t believe that was given to someone by his (or her?) parents. I penalize for (assumed) name changes.
The Final Four
The matchups: Duffy McSwiggin vs. Scholastique Koolimo, Taco Pope vs. Divine Deablo
The winner: There’s little drama in the semifinals, with Scholastique Koolimo and Taco Pope moving on to a championship game that offers a real contrast of styles. Do you prefer creativity and sound, a name that rolls off the tongue? Or are brevity, levity, imagery, and a tall hat made out of flour tortilla more your bag? In this case, count me among the latter. All hail the Taco Pope.
Agree? Disagree? Are there other names here that have changed your conception of what people can call themselves? The official tournament voting is now open.